The bumper crop (Self-Incriminators Division)
Plus: Vanity, thy name is . . .
Semi-Legend: “Subject: On the streets near where I live.
“(1) While awaiting a bus at a four-way-stop corner, I saw many drivers with a cellphone to the ear. As a woman stopped, then drove off, I said: ‘Another cellphone user.’ My wife said: ‘Really? She had a “Hang up and drive” bumper sticker.’
“(2) Pulled up at a red light behind a white Audi. License plate said ‘MICTUR8.’ I said: ‘Someone at the vanity-plate department nodded that day.’ My wife said: ‘Maybe the driver is a urologist.'”
Our livestock, ourselves
Reports The Roller of Spring Valley, Wisconsin: “New calf at the farm!
Not exactly what she had in mind
Or: Know thyself!
The Gram With a Thousand Rules: “My 16-year-old granddaughter asked me if could help her out with a history assignment. She is studying about some significant events in history and wanted some information on how they affected her ancestors.
“Oh boy! Right up my alley. I have accumulated albums of family history, with stories and photos, such as the one about my mother’s uncle who was next in line to shake President McKinley’s hand when the anarchist Leon Czolgosz shot him. I was prepared to show her the newspaper clippings and the photo of my father’s great-uncle, who was credited with hearing General Sherman say ‘War is Hell.’
“I was ready, albums open on the table, and what do you know? Her questions all pertained to the prominent news events of the past half-century. The ‘Old Ancestor’ she wanted to hear from was ME!”
CAUTION! Words at Play!
The Doryman of Prescott, Wisconsin: “Subject: Fewer people every day will ‘get’ this.
“We are at the clinic for a scan. The sign reads:’Imaging.’ I’m thinking: If, in addition to coffee, they offered hot chocolate, it would be ‘Imaging Cocoa.’
“I wonder if Sid Caesar would have liked that one.”
Our community of strangers
John in Highland: “I love going to ‘Used Book’ sales. At our most recent church/school sale, I found this copy of ‘The Best of Bulletin Board.’ It is a summary of the first four years of BB, copyright 1994.
“In the early years of BB, when submitting, most people identified themselves with only their first name, so it is difficult to identify individual contributors. I was able to recognize a few, including Anonymous Woman and Sergeant Bilko. [Bulletin Board notes: There have been quite a few Anonymous Womans, so we’re not sure how the one and only John in Highland would “recognize” one! And as for Sergeant Bilko: May she rest in peace.]
“Many of today’s writers go by more exotic noms de plume. I like the curmudgeon names: The Grouch, Malcolm Tent and The Bitter and Disgruntled Guy from Andover.”
Or: The human comedy
Grandma Connie of Scandia: “Subject: Set in our ways.
“I was at a fitness center that had a large parking lot. It was interesting to see how many people who were coming to work out drive around to find a parking spot closer to the door.”
Where’ve you gone, Mrs. Malaprop?
Helena Handbasket: “From the La Crosse Tribune sports page: ‘… today’s NFL just doesn’t support one-horse ponies like Peterson anymore.'”
Friendly Bob of Fridley: “I am hooked on watching ‘forensic’ shows — mainly on I-Discovery. On a new show tonight, a guy was commenting on a personality change in a friend who had been married for some time: ‘He would start to get very upset, and that’s when he would blow off the handle.’
“Maybe this qualifies as a mixed metaphor.”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: It certainly qualifies as something!
Or: Not-so-little pitchers
Peachy of Cottage Grove: “My eldest daughter, Lisa, was having a bad day. Though highly unusual for her, she let loose with a barrage of mild expletives, thinking that her children were out of earshot.
“Suddenly, her son/my grandson Ethan (who is 18 years old and headed to college next fall to become a pastor) appeared out of nowhere. With a sly grin, he said: ‘Mom, as your future pastor, I am highly concerned about your use of language.’
“Oops…love that kid!”
The Permanent Grandsonly Record
Fevered Rabbit: “Subject: Grandson No. 2 of 4.
“When you are 3 years old and it’s after 8 p.m. and you are super-hungry and super-tired, apparently the best way to eat plain spaghetti is with salad tongs, scooping as much as you can into your mouth at once.”
The best-laid plans of mice and . . . and . . .
Wicki-Yah reports: “Meanwhile, back at the home . . .
“Mother and I were visiting after lunch, and she said: ‘Well, I was just thinking it would be a nice idea if I. . .’
“And then she stopped and stared at me. She started the same sentence several times and got hung up in the same place.
“Finally she said, with stifled laughter: ‘I think it would be a nice idea if I didn’t start a sentence until I knew how it was going to end.’
“From the kitchen, the harried aide who was trying to get lunch dishes cleaned up before someone else pressed their call buzzer laughed and said: ‘I should have followed that advice for my day!’
“Which I followed up with: ‘Good plan for a relationship, too!’
“Mom thought that would make a great game: Finish the sentence ‘I should never start (fill in the blank) until I know how it will end.'”
Band Name of the Day: The One-Horse Ponies
Law Firm of the Day: Bitter & Disgruntled
Website of the Day: Sid Caesar and Imogene Coca (and Howard Morris) go out to eat: