Hmmmmmmmm
Grandma Pat, “formerly of rural Roberts, Wisconsin, now of St. Paul”: “I do not have to do any puzzles in my old age. There are enough as it is.
“For instance: A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on my fourth-floor balcony under a clear blue sky. Two adult granddaughters and a grandson-in-law had come over with tacos. As we sat at the table laughing and talking, a silent gust of wind came and lifted the big table umbrella straight up in the air, out of the heavy base, then out of the small opening in the table. It didn’t knock over anything — not even the tall green San Pellegrino bottle. It continued upward for several feet, then tipped sideways. The umbrella closed, and went speeding over a 6-foot privacy wall and landed on the roof of my next-door neighbor’s apartment. After a few minutes, it slid down onto her balcony. Luckily, it did not hit any of us, and my neighbor was safely away at choir practice.
“I wonder: Is there such a thing as fourth-floor turbulence? Is there any scientific explanation at all? If not, then I guess I’ll just have to go with Mary Poppins — or perhaps a poltergeist. It’s a puzzle!”
This ’n’ that
From Al B of Hartland: (1) “I hate to brag, but I have a lot of pennies. I’m no billionaire, but I’ve found a penny goes a long way if I never spend it.
“I was introduced to the world of high finance by a coffee can that became my piggy bank. I grew up with real pigs and a piggy bank that looked nothing like a pig. I spent a few months in a hospital when I was a boy, and family members, friends and neighbors gave my parents silver dollars for me. My parents refused to sell me for my salvage price and put all those silver dollars into a coffee can, which was later stolen from our home.
“Now I toss coins into a jar. I make it rain! The jar fills and is carted to the local bank, which has a fancy coin-counting machine.
“Bills promise everything and coins promise little, but I can still make a big decision by flipping a coin.
(2) “I watched a coyote. If coyotes would fetch a stick and slobber on a tennis ball, they’d be widely loved.”
Muse, amuse
Plus: Now & Then
The Doryman of Prescott, Wisconsin: (1) “Subject: ‘Sorry, Officer, we gotta go.’
“The latest cartoon in my head shows a couple pulled over by the Highway Patrol. The driver tells the Trooper: ‘I was speeding because my wife needs to use a restroom, so can she wait in your car while you write the ticket?'”
(2) “Subject: Lost but not completely forgotten.
“A minor transgression of a friend and neighbor caused a sunken response to bubble to the surface today. It was a long-dormant, flippant expression of my adolescence that would probably seem entirely new to those not Older Than Dirt.
“The friend and neighbor, who had unknowingly and inadvertently caused me a frustrating problem, needlessly apologized for the issue. My response was not the modern-day ‘No problem’; out popped the far more clever and aged ‘Twenty lashes with a wet noodle.’
“Pretty rad, huh?”
Till death us do part
Rusty of St. Paul: “My wife has always been a petite snorer. More like heavy (but quiet) breathing through pursed lips. Not enough to upset my sleep. She has been snoring a bit more loudly recently, but not too bad.
“Before I got my CPAP machine, I was a LOUD snorer. My wife would nudge me to turn if I was keeping her awake. I made an appointment for a sleep study, but then COVID got in the way. For two years we slept in different bedrooms.
“With my machine: Voila! Snoring gone!
“Typically I awake at 7:30 and start reading the Pioneer Press on my laptop in bed. My wife sleeps until 9.
“This morning she was sawing away pretty good while I was reading. Suddenly she let out a loud SNORT, and this partially woke her. What did she do in her grogginess? She elbowed me in the slats so I would turn over, thinking this would stop (her) snoring.”
Our inflatables, ourselves . . . Independence Day Division@@
Gregory J. of Dayton’s Bluff: “There aren’t many outdoor inflatable decorations for the Fourth of July, so I created my own. I used the Svengoolie inflatable that I originally put up for Halloween and later repurposed for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
“I bought the Uncle Sam hat at Michaels Arts and Crafts. When I went to check out, the nice cashier asked me if I was going to wear the hat myself. I told her I was not. Then she wanted to know what I was planning to do with it, because they enjoy hearing what their customers do with the items purchased at the store.
“She asked for it, so I explained that I had an inflatable Svengoolie Halloween yard decoration that I was adapting for the Fourth of July. I further explained that Svengoolie was a horror-movie host on MeTV. Remember that line from ‘A Christmas Story’ when adult narrator Ralphie said that his family looked at him like he had lobsters crawling out of his ears? Well, that was the look I was getting from the cashier and her trainee.
“But then, the woman behind me in line yelled out that she loved Svengoolie and her family watched him every Saturday night. There was another kindred soul. I was vindicated.”
Our theater of seasons
From Arden Hills Swede (formerly Mounds View Swede): “Subject: Fall colors in April.
“On April 18th of this year when the sun was setting, its orange light made the bare trees look like fall. It was a delight to see — fall colors in spring!”
Today’s helpful hint
Dennis from Eagan: “Subject: T.I. Casino brunch cruise is a safe bet for fun.
“My wife and I and another couple sailed the Mississippi River to/from Treasure Island Casino’s marina and downtown Red Wing on Father’ s Day (June 16). The boat (Spirit of the Water) has an 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. brunch-buffet cruise on Sundays that costs $40 and features passing through Lock & Dam No. 3. The boat does turn around just north of the US-60 bridge to Wisconsin. There are no slot-machines or blackjack tables onboard, but the cash-bar drinks were definitely affordable. Try it out sometime.”
Our squirrels, ourselves
Lola: “This squirrel thinks he — or she — is a hummingbird.”
The Literallyists
From Bob Woolley: “At the completion of a workout video, the relentlessly cheery instructor said: ‘You guys literally killed it today!’
“I think I need to know what, exactly, I killed before I decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.”
Not exactly what (if anything?) ‘they’ had in mind
Twitty of Como writes: “Subject: The world around us (or something).
“I’m not sure who had the idea first, but a year ago ‘they’ started dumping dredged-up material (soil) into Pigs Eye lake, the stated purpose being — as reported in the Pioneer Press — to create island habitat for migrating waterfowl. And ‘they’ worked at it all summer, finally removing the last backhoe from one of the low-lying manmade islands late last fall.
“I have reason to drive Highway 61 frequently, and the constant question that ran through my mind as I watched ‘their’ progress in working to create these islands was: ‘Do they know the water level of the river fluctuates dramatically?’ Because Pigs Eye Lake is just a backwater of the river, and the islands ‘they’ created were barely above even the lowest water level last fall.
“Sure enough, when spring melt came — and at a time when migrating waterfowl might actually have made good use of them — the islands were all underwater. As they have been all summer, what with the constant rain we’ve been having. Sigh.
“I can’t but wonder how much of our taxpayers’ money it cost to build those islands. and, while I could be wrong, could it be that this project was poorly thought out? Maybe ‘they’ll’ add more dirt. I don’t expect a reward, but for the good of mankind (and waterfowl), I’ll keep an eye peeled.”
The simple displeasures
Birdwatcher in La Crescent: “A trip to the grocery store brought about a summer displeasure. I found a good parking spot in the huge lot, opened the car door, stepped out onto the hot blacktop right on a very soft piece of gum! It is that time of year when we have to watch where we walk in the parking lots, thanks to rude people.”
Perchance, to dream
Our Community of Strangers Division
Gregory of the North: “Subject: Nighttime ‘Travels.’
“Good Morning!
“I seldom, if ever, write about my dreams. After all, being highly ego-syntonic, they rarely are of any interest to anyone but the dreamer. But since you were the focus of this one, I wanted to share it with you.
“You were on a train — the old Great Northern Empire Builder, complete with the old mountain-goat logo — and you had a luxury car all to yourself. In your compartment were tens of thousands of Bulletin Board submissions which you were trying to sort. The train was headed to San Francisco via Seattle, and you had to finish going through them before arriving in San Francisco, where they were going to be bound in a hardcover book.
“As I was walking by, you summoned me by my BB handle. You told me that since I had prior editing experience, I had to help you. I objected, pleading that I’d only been a poetry editor in an old college monthly, and anyway I’d been fired from that non-paying job. You stood up from behind a stack of manuscripts and shouted that you knew all about that and that I had better get to work.
“I must pause to say that you looked exactly like former Twins manager Tom Kelly. Being that I’ve never met you, or even seen your picture, I expect my subconscious figured one Kelly was as good as the next.
“Together we sorted through all sorts of submissions — both from current writers and all the way back to Joybubbles. By the time we reached Seattle, we had winnowed the articles to about 10,000, which you thought was manageable. I had to get off in Seattle, and you continued working. I said goodbye. You waved quickly and went back to the stack of 10,000.
“I don’t know whether you finished your task or whether the book ever was assembled because I awoke when we ‘reached’ Seattle.
“I hope this gave you a little smile.”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: It didn’t. It gave us a big one!
Fellow travelers
The Aqua Aficionado (actual name S—): “Subject: It’s a small world, after all.
“When I visited the Peloponnese area of Greece, I based myself in Nafplio and took day trips from there. One morning, I decided to take the local bus to see the archaeological site in Mycenae. At the last minute, I changed my mind and hurried over to take the bus that went to the Epidaurus ruins instead.
“After I climbed into the bus, I heard a passenger exclaim: ‘It’s American S—!’
“It turned out that British friends Dick and Nada were visiting Greece, too. I happened to take the same bus that morning that they did. We spent a fun day together touring the ruins. Nada even had a postcard they had written to mail to me.
“We still exchange travel postcards, too, more than 20 years later.”
In memoriam
The Divine Mum of Crocus Hill: “Say, hey. Does Bulletin Board ever run a repeat? My husband sent this item, from the Bulletin Board of September 27, 2014, to the family chat group this morning. This was the headline that day: ‘Say hey, kid! Was there any other man on Earth who could’ve made The Catch that Willie made?’
“R.I.P., Willie Mays.”
Here was the item, from The Divine Mum’s Husband: “It was 60 years ago today, but it remains ‘The Catch.’
“Millions of Americans had recently purchased a television set, some just in time to watch this Game 1 of the 1954 World Series — and to get a glimpse of young Willie Mays, the New York Giants’ electric center fielder. 1954 was Mays’ first season back after missing more than 260 games while serving in the Army. He would be the National League MVP at age 23.
“The batter for Cleveland — which was heavily favored, having won 111 of 154 games that season — was Vic Wertz. Wertz was on fire. He was already 3-for-3, including a triple. (He would later hit a double.) The score was 2-2 in the top of the eighth inning, with no outs and runners on first and second. Had the ball dropped, both runners would have scored easily. Wertz would have reached second or third, and the Giants likely would have lost.
“Not impressed? Well, the Polo Grounds’ center-field wall was marked as 483 feet. Mays ran down the ball about 460 feet from home plate, sprinting toward a concrete wall with no padding. By contrast, ‘spacious’ Target Field measures only 411 feet at its deepest point.
“In his 1955 book, ‘A Day in the Bleachers,’ Arnold Hano dedicates an entire chapter to describing this single play, as he saw it from a hard, wooden seat in center field, with both Mays and the ball speeding toward him. Here is some of Hano’s account:
” ‘Then I looked at Willie, and alarm raced through me, peril flaring against my heart. To my utter astonishment, the young Giant center fielder — the inimitable Mays, most skilled of outfielders, unique for his ability to scent the length and direction of any drive and then turn and move to the final destination of the ball — Mays was turned full around, head down, running as hard as he could, straight toward the runway between the two bleacher sections.
” ‘I knew then that I had underestimated — badly underestimated — the length of Wertz’s blow.
” ‘I wrenched my eyes from Mays and took another look at the ball, winging its way along, undipping, unbreaking, forty feet higher than Mays’ head, rushing along like a locomotive, nearing Mays, and I thought then: it will beat him to the wall.
” ‘… I had seen the ball hit, its rise; I had seen Mays’ first backward sprint; I had again seen the ball and Mays at the same time, Mays still leading.
” ‘… For the briefest piece of time … Mays started to raise his head and turn it to his left, as though he were about to look behind him.
” ‘Then he thought better of it, and continued the swift race with the ball that hovered quite close to him now, thirty feet high and coming down (yes, finally coming down) and again — for the second time — I knew Mays would make the catch.
” ‘… Mays simply slowed down to avoid running into the wall, put his hands up in cup-like fashion over his left shoulder, and caught the ball much like a football player catching leading passes in the end zone.
” ‘He had turned so quickly, and run so fast and truly that he made this impossible catch look — to us in the bleachers — quite ordinary. To those reporters in the press box, nearly six hundred feet from the bleacher wall, it must have appeared far more astonishing, watching Mays run and run until he had become the size of a pigmy and then he had run some more, while the ball diminished to a mote of white dust and finally disappeared in the dark blob that was Mays’ mitt.
” ‘The play was not finished, with the catch.
” ‘… Mays caught the ball, and then whirled and threw, like some olden statue of a Greek javelin hurler, his head twisted away to the left as his right arm swept out and around.
” ‘… And as he turned, or as he threw — I could not tell which, the two motions were welded into one — off came the cap, and then Mays himself continued to spin around after the gigantic effort of returning the ball whence it came, and he went down flat on his belly, and out of sight.’ ”
Band Name of the Day: Slobber and the Wet Noodles
Website of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/embed/iuuVS4HuKU4?si=GdVDarNICaAva7-4
Bulletin Board 