The highfalutin pleasures — and resultant highfalutin displeasures
Geez Louise of the West Side reports: “I seem to be suffering periodically from a condition for which I couldn’t find a name, so I had to invent one. I’m calling it incommunipotestatum falcolumorbus. The name is Splatin in origin. It comes from the Spanish word incommunicar, meaning ‘to deprive of communication,’ the Latin potestatum, meaning ‘energy’ or ‘power,’ Falco columbarius, the scientific name for the species of falcon commonly called the merlin, and the Latin morbus, meaning ‘distress’ or ‘affliction.’
“It’s the condition of being unable to make a phone call because you’ve run your phone battery down recording bird songs with the Merlin app, and the disorder is marked by severe flareups that coincide with the migration of birds through the region.
“There’s no known cure, but symptoms can be alleviated with frequent juicing.”
Muse, amuse
The Doryman of Prescott, Wisconsin: “Subject: Career Twist.
“I think I’ve discovered what Superman and The Hulk have been doing since their retirements from movie-making. They must be working at drinking-water companies, putting screw caps on those flimsy plastic bottles.”
Life as we know it
Grandma Pat, “formerly of rural Roberts, Wisconsin, now of St. Paul,” writes: “Twenty-odd years ago, I lived out in the hills of rural Roberts, Wisconsin. I had a few acres near my sister, and shared my space with a sheep, a goat, a dog, a cat, and various wild friends like deer and turkeys and frogs.
“Now I am in senior living in St. Paul, which is appropriate. I have 11 roommates who make me smile. One speaks meow and purr; the others stand tall in their pots and stretch upwards.
“We help each other out.”
Life (and possibly impending death) as we know it
John in Highland: “Subject: Aurora Borealis.
“There are days in every person’s memory that are so significant that one will never forget them. Recent sightings of the Aurora Borealis brought back such a memory for me.
“May 12, 1969, was the day that I was drafted into the U.S. Army. A group of 30 of us civilians got to shake hands with Mayor Tom Byrne at the St. Paul Armory before being bused to the train depot in Minneapolis. There we would await the start of a train ride to Fort Lewis, Washington.
“The train took 36 hours to reach the West Coast. I believe that it was the same train that was advertised as the ‘Vistadome North Coast Limited.’ Most of us took advantage of the dome car to watch the passing scenery. As the night grew dark across the fields of North Dakota, we were aware of a light show on the northern horizon. It was the first time I had ever seen the Northern Lights. The next day, the train made a brief stop in Havre, Montana. I took the chance to jump off and buy a newspaper. The headline read: ‘Nixon Announces Reduction of Troop Level in Vietnam’!
“On the third day, we pulled into the Seattle train depot, not knowing our fate, but wanting to get on with it.”
Fun facts to know and tell
Baseball Division
May 5 email from Dr. Chrysanthemum: “Now that the Twins have won 11 in a row [Bulletin Board interjects: Sic transit gloria mundi!], it might be appropriate to note that 2024 is the 100th anniversary of their first World Series championship.
“The then-Washington Nationals won three American League titles between 1924 and 1933. (Later, the team acquired a reputation as an also-ran and officially adopted its popular nickname of the Senators before moving to Minnesota.) [Bulletin Board says: Some wag offered “Washington — first in war, first in peace, last in the American League.”]
“Although the Nationals of 1924-1933 had a few solid players (Goose Goslin, Sam Rice, Joe Judge, an aging Walter Johnson, Heinie Manush, and boy wonder player-managers Bucky Harris and Joe Cronin), they did not have slugging depth and had stiff competition from two teams that could boast multiple Hall-of-Famers, Triple Crown winners, and other batting champs.
“The Yankees (who fielded players such as Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Bill Dickey, Earle Combs, Bob Meusel, Tony Lazzeri, Waite Hoyt, Herb Pennock, Urban Shocker, Lefty Gomez, and Red Ruffing) won four league championships during this period.
“The Philadelphia Athletics (who had Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons, Mickey Cochrane, Bing Miller, and Lefty Grove) won the other three.
“In some ways, the current Twins team is similar to that 1924 Nationals team — solid, but without multiple superstars (at least healthy ones). Maybe they can add a seventh World Series to this franchise.”
This ’n’ that ’n’ the other
A trio from Kathy S. of St. Paul, the first one sent our way on Eclipse Day 2024: (1) “Subject: The Eclipse is Coming! The Eclipse is Coming!
“Anyone who does not know an eclipse of the sun is happening today must be living under a rock. [Bulletin Board muses: No chance of vision impairment if you’re living under a rock!]
“The last time an eclipse was visible here, I wandered around to see what people were doing. I ended up in a local library, where I found some teenagers watching it on a computer. I pointed out that they should go outside to see it, since it was LIVE right then. They shuffled out, glanced at the Real Thing, and left. I don’t know if I did any good, and I hate driving kids out of libraries. I still feel guilty about that.
“But sometimes real life is better than screens, right?”
(2) “Subject: Precision Daddy.
“Recently, in a store, I saw a dad checking out water and groceries next to a collapsible wagon containing three small boys. They reminded me of little birds, peeking around as their groceries were bought.
“Shortly thereafter, the dad pulled the kid wagon and a small cart with the groceries close to an exit door. He removed the oldest boy from the wagon and put the bottles of water in his place. He then sat the oldest boy on the water bottles and removed the smallest boy from the cart. He placed the bag of groceries where the youngest had sat, and set the boy on or next to them. Mission accomplished, he pulled the wagon full of kids and groceries out the door.
“If there is ever a contest of precision shopping while herding kids, I hereby nominate that dad.”
(3) “Subject: Never mind.
“Today I filled my larger coffee grinder with beans and hit the button. Nothing happened. I plugged the grinder into various electrical outlets, but the grinder still did not work. I remembered that I had planned to clean the burr grinder parts, and decided that they might be clogged. I searched for the instruction manual on the grinder, which I had set out so I would read it. I couldn’t find it, so I turned the Internet on and found my grinder’s manual.
“The first instruction in the manual said that the grinder would not turn on unless the hopper to catch the ground coffee was in place. I checked the grinder; the hopper was not in place. I inserted the hopper and ground my coffee beans.
“As an autistic person, I am told that I have trouble with executive function. Namely, I am not always good at juggling too many ideas or processes at one time.
“No kidding!
“(But I did get it done.)”
The Permanent Maternal Record (responsorial)
Lee Momsen: “Kathy S.‘s story was very good, and Joan Baez is a fine artist, but she will tell you that ‘There But for Fortune’ was written by the late Phil Ochs.
” Keep up the good work.”
The highfalutin amusements (responsorial)
Twitty of Como writes: “Subject: Pet peeves.
“COS on the East Side, with his/her story about TV and subtitles, reminded me of a TV pet peeve I’ve been wanting to air for some time — no pun intended.
“I watch a lot of documentaries — by choice: usually the soaring epics about regions of the United States which give historical perspectives as well as great aerial views, but also those of nature, focusing on animal life, etc. These can be found on PBS and the National Geographic channel, as well as others, and are of great interest to me . . . except for one continuing irritating issue: The background music often is so blasted loud, it drowns out the voice of the narrator! In my humble opinion, the music isn’t needed. I find the narration important for the educational benefit. If I want music, I can put on a Linda Ronstadt disc! [Bulletin Board says: This is why we always, always turn the closed-captions on — and not just for documentaries. We’d fail to catch half (or more) of the dialogue in the British crime shows, otherwise.]
“There. I’ve said it. Now I’m over it. I assume BB will take this information and use its considerable influence to notify the authors of those documentaries, telling them to tone down the background noise, er, music. Thank you very much.”
Where we live (responsorial)
David the Ex-Scudderite writes: “Al B’s report on obligatory acknowledgments of fellow drivers reminded me of something my friend Steve once said. He owned a Honda touring motorcycle and said that it’s customary when meeting a fellow biker on a two-lane road to raise an index finger in recognition to a fellow biker. However, Steve said, Harley riders refuse to offer that gesture to non-Harley riders.”
BULLETIN BOARD SMART-ALECKS: Do they offer up a different digit?
Simple pleasures
Grandma Paula: “I just finished the latest puzzle that I have been working on. I really like the colorful butterflies.”
The verbing of America
The Retired Pedagogue of Arden Hills notes: “From a neighborhood website: ‘Need to rehome our pup.’”
The sign on the road to the cemetery said “Dead End”
Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Division
Our Official Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Monitor — Red’s Offspring, north of St. Paul — reports: “Subject: Good advice.
“This is the most recent message on the electronic board of the church on Lexington in Shoreview:
“‘SMILE . . . HAPPINESS LOOKS
“‘GORGEOUS ON YOU’”
Now & Then
Rivermouse: “I did something last night that I haven’t done since I was a kid — 70 years ago or so. I popped kernels in a saucepan on my stove.
“Turfman’s cousin Paul, thanking Turfman more than two years ago for the genealogy manuscript Turfman had emailed him, gave us the kernels from his farm, along with some homemade summer sausage and maple syrup, when we were in Sleepy Eye, Minnesota, for cousin Arnolda’s birthday party. We quickly devoured the summer sausage (it was better than Schmidt’s in Nicollet!) and syrup, but the popcorn just sat there over the years in its little plastic container while I munched on store-bought kernels popped in microwavable bags.
“Maybe two nights of thunderstorms, followed yesterday by a massive black cloud labeled ‘tornado watch’ speeding closely over the top of our house, inspired me to risk popping Paul’s kernels the way Mom used to pop ours (except Mom’s saucepan lid had a pan stirrer attached to its knob). In heated-till-it-shimmered slightly salted olive oil, I spread a single layer of kernels and lidded the pan. Much to this city girl’s amazement and delight, in less than a minute I heard a pop, and then another and another! Just like in the olden days. Lacking Mom’s stirrer lid, I lifted the pan slightly and shook it over the hot burner until the popping stopped. Then I lifted the lid: My pan was full of fluffy whites! Yum! No mystery ingredients and, after reheating the dozen laggards at the bottom, my layer yielded 100 percent edible.
“That was more than enough excitement for one day.”
The passing show
Bill of the river lake reports: “While camping in Sauk Centre over the Mother’s Day weekend, we stopped at the local DQ for a treat. All went well, and just as we were leaving, the entire local high-school boys’ baseball team flooded in, taking up the whole store. There must have been 25 boys, all very hungry after winning their ballgame 12-1.
“I suggested to them that the winning pitcher and the player who hit a grand slam deserved a double treat.
“Pity the customers who arrived a minute after the players.”
CAUTION! Words at Play!
The Dragon Lady of Inver Grove Heights: “Here is a cute little story I like to tell about two brooms that were going to be married soon.
“One day, the bride broom said to the groom broom: ‘You know, I have something to tell you. We are going to have a little whisk broom.’
“The groom broom looked at the bride broom with astonishment. ‘Wha . . . what? Why, that’s impossible! We haven’t even swept together yet!” 😄
Life as we know it
Auction Girl writes: “Subject: AG does PT.
“Several lifetimes ago, Auction Girl left Pine Island and found a job at Little Store on the prairie. Actually, they were desperate for help during COVID. The manager hired her based on one call, and AG dreamed of running their mini-donut machine. Dang, no more mini-donuts made in store. But can ya bag groceries?
“OK. For the last several years, it’s been a blast. Getting up before dawn, cutting through snowfalls, rain, vacation-boat traffic and working from open till afternoon. You meet so many people and hear a lot of stories.
“AG felt a little off one day. She’d had a stroke. It was strangely like being exhausted, and feeling drunk. No fanfare or pain, just a weird disconnect from the world of balance.
“It ended up at a big hospital, and AG had to relearn to use a fork and other stuff. The customers at Little Store, their kids, the workers and of course Good Driver of St. Everywhere and family sent prayers, wishes, good vibes to her.
“Everything moves slower now. The sun still comes up. AG can still remember Pete Seeger’s song ‘Turn, Turn, Turn’ and hopes to be able to play it again and maybe sing, too.
“Please be aware of what a stroke may look like. Call 9-1-1 if you have or witness one.”
Band Name of the Day: The 11 Roommates — or: The Dozen Laggards
Website of the Day: The Library of Congress’s Prints & Photographs Online Catalog
Bulletin Board 