The simple displeasures
The Linguidiot writes: “Subject: Please, enough!
“Why do so many of our local merchants, restaurants, theaters and other public places hate summer?
“I spend most of winter dreaming of wonderful, hot summer days that allow me to travel around town wrapped in nature’s gift of warm, soul-healing air. Over the last few years, however, it seems an alarmingly fast-growing number of public places are forcing me to take a jacket or sweatshirt with me lest I find myself trapped in eternal mid-March as I try to shop, eat or enjoy a film.
“Are they at all aware of the service they can do those of us who spend eight months lusting after summer temperatures — to say nothing of the energy that can be conserved — by just being reasonable with their cooling systems? For most people, a simple difference of five or six degrees is a refreshing change.
“We Minnesotans spend three-quarters of the year protecting ourselves from butt-puckering cold. Why do so many establishments want to make it a year-round battle?”
Our theater of seasons
COS on the East Side: “I like nature, as long as I don’t have to go very far to see it. I also enjoy gardening, assuming the weather isn’t too hot, too humid, too sunny, etc. You get the picture. In other words, a low-maintenance garden in my back yard pretty much fits the bill. I plant some vegetables, but that leaves a lot of empty space to be filled. There are always weeds, of course, but I prefer something a bit better-looking.
“Hollyhocks are perfect. I’ve never planted them and yet they appeared years ago. I can identify them when they first appear so I do absolutely nothing. I let them grow and plant vegetables around them.
“The fun thing about hollyhocks is that they come in a variety of colors from red to white and all shades of pink in between, with a variety of blossom styles. You never know what you will get until they start blooming.
“Another good filler is common milkweed. It also just shows up and requires no work whatsoever. Both hollyhocks and milkweed attract all sorts of critters.
“Bees, particularly bumblebees, love hollyhocks. They get themselves totally covered with pollen.
“As everyone probably knows by now, milkweed attracts monarch butterflies, but other butterflies like it, too. This year I’ve seen a lot of tiger swallowtails.
“Dragonflies also visit my garden. They have no interest in flowers and pollen, but do like the insects they attract. One fellow perches on a garden stake and waits for his prey to approach.
“Rock gardens also require a minimum of effort. After the rocks are planted, they require no work for decades, probably millennia. Rock gardens also attract a variety of visitors. The main ones in mine are Shari the Snail, Gregor the Gargoyle and Gerg the G-nome (pronounced Ga-nome).”
The Permanent Family Record
John in Highland writes: “Subject: California, 1950.
“My dad, Ed, would always save the old license plates when the new ones would appear each year. Our family moved from California to Minnesota in the summer of 1950, driving in our trusty Chevy Fleetmaster.
“California had already started to issue license-plate tabs to reduce the number of new plates needed each year. This one covered the original date of 1947. Minnesota did not start using tabs until 1956-57.
“I was too young to remember the long trip driving cross-country, but my mother remembered it well. She said that we had stopped for lunch at a diner in northern Arizona. The news on the radio was that war had just broken out in Korea.”
The Permanent Family Record (responsorial)
And: Dept. of Neat Stuff (Clarification Division)
Gregory J. of Dayton’s Bluff: “Recently The Gram With a Thousand Rules wrote about two family treasures: her dad’s pencil sharpener and her mother’s opera glasses.
“She also stated: ‘Now, I know neither of these items would qualify under Gregory J.’s Dept. of Neat Stuff rules.’
“First, as we all know, Bulletin Board is not a competition. Second, if I haven’t already said so, Neat Stuff is in the eye of the beholder. Third, I have no rules regarding what qualifies as Neat Stuff. I know it when I see it. And finally, au contraire, I would consider both of those items to be Neat Stuff. As a matter of fact, someone thought that entry was one of mine at first glance.
“I’m no expert on pencil sharpeners, but according to the Internet, The Gram‘s sharpener appears to be a classic Boston Champion model with hand crank and pinch feed made by the Boston Pencil Co., established in 1899. It is highly collectible due to its design. However, because it is also very well-built, the Champion lasts a long time and can be refurbished, so it isn’t very valuable from a monetary standpoint.
“I could find even less information about opera glasses, but The Gram‘s pair certainly looks like a style of French opera glasses made in, you guessed it, Paris, France.
“No matter the manufacturing history of any item, always remember that if it is Neat Stuff to you, then it is Neat Stuff, with no other validation needed.”
Joy of Juxtaposition
Bill of the river lake reports: “Subject: What was that squirrel thinking?
“Monday, July 3, was extremely hot, and we noticed a motionless squirrel on a low branch of our large maple tree through our front picture window. We thought it was wounded or dead. Then it moved just a bit, and we weren’t sure what was happening.
“A short time later, we were watching the news on Channel 4 (WCCO), and, sure enough, the announcer clarified that squirrels (and other animals) were splooting, lying spread-eagle on a cool surface to cool down, also called ‘heat dumping.’
“What a coincidence! Isn’t nature wonderful!”
The simple pleasures
Fourth of July Division
Tia2d: “Our town had their fireworks on the Friday before the Fourth. I live right across the street from the park where they set them off, and I enjoyed just sitting in my driveway and watching the display.
“Saturday, in that same park, there was a second tractor pull of the summer. I am not a fan, and the noise is disruptive, and so my husband and I invited ourselves to my brother and sister-in-law’s for supper (bringing the brats, the beer and some salads) and enjoyed a relaxing evening.
“Driving at night isn’t usually very fun, but many of the little towns on our way home had their fireworks on Saturday night. We got samples of about six different displays as we drove home, and it was rather beautiful and entertaining.”
CAUTION! Words at Play!
The Retired Pedagogue of Arden Hills: “If a sister who is a member of a religious order dies and goes to heaven, does she become a ‘nun of the above’?”
Now & Then
The Doryman of Prescott, Wisconsin: “Subject: Pause / Rewind / Play.
“Recently, on my almost-daily perusal of Facebook Marketplace, I came across this little gem.
“Back in the ’50s (I say that a lot now), Naper’s Hobby Shop in Windom ended up with lots of my adolescent pocket money. I was going through my scratch-built model-boat period when I first spotted this exact little outboard in his showcase. I don’t remember the price, but I’m pretty sure it was the single most expensive item in his inventory at that time. I drooled over it for months every time I visited to buy sheets and sticks of balsa wood for a few cents. Nice Mr. Naper even let me hold it once.
“Fast-forward to today, and it was a very fast forward, I still can’t justify it. But I do wonder if my last word will be a whispered ‘Evinrude.'”
BULLETIN BOARD MUSES: Coming soon to your local multiplex: “Citizen Doryman“!
The Permanent Friendly Record
Or: Know thyselves!
Cherie D of IGH: “Subject: Idiot-syncrasies.
“My friend Brenda and I spend most of our time together laughing — good for the heart and soul, but maybe not so much for our minds. The laughter that keeps pushing its way into our conversations has sometimes caused us to get our signals mixed up. We call these moments idiot-syncrasies.
“In late June, we were going to meet at the Farmers’ Market in the old Signal Hills parking lot. I got there early and parked. And waited. And waited. I finally texted Brenda and told her where I was. Turns out she was parked outside my house waiting for me to come out.
“Another time, I was meeting Brenda for lunch at a restaurant I’d never been to before. Following the directions, I wound up way north of the place. I called her, and when she stopped laughing, almost, she told me I had turned right rather than left on the road to the restaurant. I turned around.
“One day not long ago, Brenda and I were talking on the phone and making plans to have lunch, again, and were deciding on a restaurant. Of course laughter once again wormed its way into our conversation, and when we were about to say ‘Bye’ and hang up, I said: ‘OK, see you at Ansari’s!’ And she said: ‘Wait — I thought we chose Jameson’s!’
“We went to Jameson’s, because though I had the last laugh, she had the last word!”
The Permanent Family Record
Wicki-Yah (“in the land of the FIT — Farmers In Training”) writes: “Subject: No way! This ain’t L.A.!
“Harley Man and I were hanging out with four of our grandkids (children of our daughter, the Pastor’s Wife, now the Pastor-Farmer’s Wife) while Mom and Dad took a much-deserved vacation on the North Shore during his work sabbatical.
“The kids were really helpful during our 12-day stay, so we decided to drive from their little farm into Sioux Falls for lunch and ice cream on our last day. We spent just shy of $40 on seven small ice-cream treats. We could not help but comment that raising kids is expensive, but the kids were worth it.
“When they finished their treats, two of the kids asked if I thought the ice-cream shop had water. I told them to go in and ask if they could have a small cup of water.
“‘The teen in the service window handed them two kiddie-sized cups of water. The 11-year-old shrugged, and the 8-year-old ran out and asked for $5.
“‘What for?’ I asked.
“That’s the price for two cups of water,’ she said, with a dramatic flip of her hand.
“‘What?!’ Harley and I shouted in unison. ‘Ridiculous!’
“‘No. No. No!’ I said. I started calculating. It’s been a dry summer, but water is hardly a rare or expensive commodity, even in South Dakota! These were very small cups, and I figured it was like a half-cent of water in a two-penny cup!
“‘But I have $5 of my own money,’ the 8-year-old said.
“‘No, no, no,’ I repeated, maybe stomping my foot just a little. ‘You will NOT spend $5 on a tiny cup of water.’ (OK, so it was two cups of water.)
“The 11-year-old told the cashier that he had left his money at home. Harley Man opened the door, interrupting his attempt at gracefully getting out of paying for a cup of tap water, and said firmly: ‘Put the cups down and come on. Leave the cups! Let’s go! Now!’
“A bit of chaos ensued as we grabbed the little ones by the hand and ran across the street to the van. I checked over my shoulder in case the 16-year-old cashier had jumped the counter and was chasing us down, asking the kids ‘Did you take a sip?’ — like that really mattered.
“We drove home in silence, until many miles later when the 8-year-old piped up in a small, quivering voice from the way-back seat: ‘How long till we get home? You will die in the heat if you don’t drink water.’
“Thank God the 5-year-old, the one who always has an immediate answer, noted it would be three days before she was dead, stifling her immediate worry and my guilt at making her leave the water behind.
“We will report back on the status of the 8-year-old on Day 4. That is, if we’re not in jail for petty theft. In the replay in my head, I am sure someone got our license plate.
“Listening to the kids share the story with their parents when they got home, I am guessing the ‘water incident’ will come up at my funeral.”
Out of the mouths of babes
Grandpa Bob: “On Father’s Day, daughter Alex asked grandsons Theo (age 11) and Sam (age 8) what they liked about Dad Doug and Grandpa Bob. I awaited compliments on playground sessions or visits to DQ. Sam piped up: ‘What I like about Dad and Grandpa Bob is both of them care about the earth’s environment staying healthy.’ Our collective jaws dropped; no one could reach that stratospheric response, and the exercise ended with Sam the uncontested winner.
“Whatever the failure of our generation to slow global warming, the kids’ boldness and imagination will cure.”
Band Name of the Day: Sploot & The Heat Dumpers
Website of the Day: Merlin
Bulletin Board 