The Permanent Family Record
The Gram With a Thousand Rules writes: “Have you ever owned something that made you feel rich? We did. In fact, we had two somethings!
“We were children of the Great Depression, but so were all our friends. They also wore cardboard in their shoes and lived in run-down rental houses, but we had two treasures that they didn’t have: Mother’s Opera Glasses and Dad’s Pencil Sharpener.
“Now, I know neither of these items would qualify under Gregory J.’s Dept. of Neat Stuff rules, but to us they were the neatest stuff ever! They made us feel rich.
“No matter how many times we performed the chaotic exodus from a big house to a little house and back to a big house and down again to a little house (nine times by the time I was 14), those two items were never mislaid. At the last minute, Mother always made sure that those opera glasses were tucked safely in her purse while Dad unscrewed the pencil sharpener from the kitchen cupboard — and screwed it back in again in the kitchen of the next house as soon as we arrived.
“That pencil sharpener elevated us to a high level in every school we attended. We never had to line up at the pencil sharpener before class started, like the other kids did. I came to school every day with my pencils ‘professionally’ sharpened. (No sloppy jack-knifed job for Jake’s kids.) Before my kids started school, I went shopping for a sturdy pencil sharpener like Dad & Mom still had in their kitchen. The one I bought was a portable one (though it needn’t have been; we lived in that same house for the next 62 years), and I brought it with me when I moved to this apartment after my husband died.
“I also brought Mom’s opera glasses; no way could I leave them behind. It’s funny, but I never asked my mother if she ever went to an opera and got a chance to use those glasses. I never even asked her why she had them. Unlike most of our other possessions, Mom was a bit possessive about those opera glasses. (Pun unintended.) We could look through them, but if we got a bit too vigorous adjusting the lens to ‘Close and FAR!’ and ‘Far and CLOSE!’ she would tell us: ‘That’s enough now, dear. Put them back on the bureau.’ They were a marvelous mystery object — and on an amusement scale, their magnitude could not be outdistanced.”
Live and learn
COS on the East Side: “We learn many things in school, such as the three Rs: Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmetic. But there are other lessons that teachers passed on to us that were so much more profound. I got to thinking about some of those and when I learned them.
“Kindergarten: As it started to get cold in winter, our teacher told us that no matter what the older kids said, never stick your tongue on the metal railings outside. I think of this every time I watch ‘A Christmas Story.’ If only Miss Shields had passed on these words of wisdom to Ralphie, Flick and the rest of the boys instead of worrying so much about margins.
“Eighth grade: Our teacher told us to learn to type if we weren’t able to take typing in high school because it would be very useful. So I taught myself how to type during the summer before starting ninth grade. She was correct. Teachers like typed papers both in high school and college. I was even able to type up my own Master’s thesis, which saved a ton of grief and money. At some point I quit typing and began keyboarding, two things which are remarkably similar, and am doing so right now.
“Sophomore year in high school, chemistry class: Every time someone would burn himself during a chemistry lab experiment, our teacher would say: ‘Hot glass looks like cold glass.’ So true, and yet so easy to forget. It applies to metal, too. He also taught us how to use a slide rule, something that was very important for college engineering students in the days before electronic calculators, or at least before ones that didn’t cost many hundreds of dollars.
“Freshman year of college, advanced calculus: Probably the most important thing our professor taught us was to never be afraid to count on our fingers. Truer words were never spoken. I still do this all the time without a hint of shame.
“There is a calendar corollary to this one. I learned it back in grade school but can’t remember in which grade. One can figure out which months have 31 days by using either one or two hands and your fingers or knuckles. It’s simple to do but difficult to describe in words. The trick is that knuckles/fingers represent months with 31 days.
“Here is one of many YouTube videos that show how to do it.”
The vision thing
And: Our pets, ourselves
Bill of the river lake reports: “Subject: Doggie driver.
“While I was getting gas at Sam’s Club the other day, an SUV pulled up behind me and the father got out to begin filling his tank while the rest of his family remained inside the vehicle. I noticed a very large German shepherd, paws on the steering wheel, looking intently straight ahead as if to watch for any incoming traffic.
“I thought this a bit different and comical, and I walked over to the passenger side and asked the mother if her dog had a driver’s license. She replied: ‘Yes, he thinks he does.’ We all got a good laugh.
“Seems like some dogs have an amazingly high IQ.”
Our theater of seasons
Mounds View Swede reports: “After getting excited just to see leaves again, then the blossoming trees started showing off. They strike a deeper level of amazement!
“I wish there had been a lot of bees visiting these trees, but, alas, I saw none this day. There are more neighborhood trees to visit, though, so perhaps . . . .”
Later: “This most welcome delightful spring weather has been very enjoyable!
“As I drove to the nearest mailbox to mail some bills, I noticed these trees with their fresh spring leaves . . . and looking so much like trees with fall colors. I am continually being amazed by the variety of ways plants grow and develop. I’ll have to watch and see if these trees keep their colors as summer begins.
“Near the mailbox, there were some flowering trees at one end of the parking lot. When I got out of the car to mail my letters. a petal fell on my shoulder. I knew about the falling leaves in the fall, but hadn’t experienced falling petals before. It felt like ‘Hey, look at me!’ So after mailing my mail, I got my camera out again to capture these blossoms . . .
“. . . and some of the petals decorating the parking lot.
“While visiting my friend living near Lake Owasso, I noticed the blossoms along the lake shore . . .
“. . . and the ‘perfect Minnesota’ scene presenting itself. Yay, Minnesota!”
Come again?
Another episode of creative hearing, reported by John from River Falls: “Subject: Say what?
“I gave my wife my old hearing aids. Worked great for her, and she was happy.
“The other day, she ran to the washer and rescued them from the load, saying they only got ‘a little wet.’ She tried the rice-in-a-Ziploc-bag remedy to save them. After a couple days, she tried them and said: ‘The vise grips worked!’
“I was in the kitchen and asked, what do you mean, the vise grips worked?
“She yelled: ‘The RICE TRICK WORKED!’
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t have my hearing aids in.”
Vanity, thy name is . . .
Friendly Bob of Fridley: “It took just a quick second look for me to realize that I was likely following a cribbage enthusiast when I saw in front of me this license
plate: ’15FOR2.'”
Life (and death) as we know it
Kathy S. of St. Paul: “Subject: Giving things away.
“Some years back, a man at either TPT or PBS created a short video about the fact that no one wants your parents’ stuff. It has been a very popular video, as we Boomers have had to dispose of our elders’ valuables that have dropped in value — especially the brown furniture not currently in demand.
“Recently our neighbor Peggy died. Today her family held an informal giveaway of many of her things. I went because my church has drop boxes for things needed by those who are without much. I took some Corelle for myself, and more of it to drop off at church. I keep it next to my stove, for microwaving food.
“Long ago, BBers wrote about the color of bowls in which to mix foods — because many households had sets in which the color of each bowl indicated its size. Cooks wrote recipes specifying which colored bowl to use for each process, until the greater variety of mixing bowls available changed things.
“Not long ago, people of Asian descent wrote in various publications of the Corelle dishes they grew up with — at home or in family restaurants. It is pretty cheap and somewhat indestructible. When the Camdi restaurant in Dinkytown closed last year, much of their Corelle was sold to customers — including me. I think of Camdi when using certain bowls.
“Having neighbors in our apartment building come to take some belongings home to our own places strikes me as positive, and it might lessen a little of the load on the family members quickly emptying our friend’s apartment.
“The next time our power goes out, I won’t need to check to make sure Peggy’s oxygen tank is working. She is probably in a better place, but I’ll think of her then — or when I use one of her dishes.”
What is right with people?
The Astronomer of Nininger: “Subject: ‘Not to worry — I’ve got your back.’
“Sometimes when someone performs an act of kindness of some consequence, others of the same background are thought of in a similar way.
“The other night I was in Bloomington at the Veterans’ Club, attending a meeting of the Twin Cities chapter of our collegial Association of Graduates of the U.S. Air Force Academy. For some reason, I drove my sporty Corvette that evening. Just as I entered the parking lot, the clutch failed and I was stuck, unable to shift gears. I needed a tow.
“Instinctively, I called my insurance company, but they were unable to help me then and there. Still, I needed towing assistance, and a member of our chapter of graduates stepped forward and recommended a nearby towing company I could talk with. By then meeting was over, and most attendees had already departed. That same gentleman who offered assistance said that he would stay until the tow truck came, and he would drive me home — some 40 miles, to rural Hastings — if needed.
“I had not asked for help. He insisted on helping me — not for any personal gain, but because we both graduated from the Air Force Academy and we are brothers in a special way. He graduated some 30 years later than I did, but we spoke the same cultural language and sense of right and wrong, we both like airplanes, we both understand how we defended our Constitution and our American way of life. I am reminded of Boys Town in Nebraska with an image of a boy carrying a younger lad: ‘He’s not heavy — he’s my brother.’ In a way, we all are brothers. We all ought to help someone when we can.
“Bob did not have to drive me home, as another option came up. But he insisted he could help. He sure had my back.
“I love my brothers, all of them. My birth brother has passed, but my brothers from the Air Force, many of them, keep in touch almost daily and would be there if needed. That kind of loyalty is precious, and it is rarely seen in today’s world. I know someone will be there when I need help.
“The Good Wife and I will do our best to help someone else. May God bless all of our brothers and family of friends.”
Out of the mouths of babes
A coronation story from Grammi of no rules (“Daughter of Gram With a Thousand Rules“), down under: “In Australia, the recent coronation of King Charles was covered live on commercial TV, which meant it was evening here and I was snuggled on the couch with two of my grandkids. Rich in ancient tradition and dragging on for hours , the ceremony was surprisingly holding the attention of my 6-year-old grandson, Henry, and his 3-year-old sister, Allegra. Despite the disappointment every time the various celebrants went to the altar and picked up another priceless object (but not the crown), they were determined to stay up until the king got crowned.
“As the officiants repeatedly presented shiny treasures to the king, the grandkids questioned why they kept bringing presents to the king, but he didn’t get to keep any of them. As this bizarre ritual continued, the kids began to try to guess what might be next and when they were going to finally pick up the crown that was just sitting there amongst all the golden things. What now?
“Eventually, somebody started slowly carrying a golden sword bedecked in jewels towards the king. Henry sat bolt upright and exclaimed: ‘Oh no! there isn’t going to be a human sacrifice now, is there?'”
BULLETIN BOARD MUSES: Doesn’t being a “royal” essentially entail a lifetime of human sacrifice?
Band Name of the Day: Hot Glass
Website of the Day, from Semi-Legend: “Subject: River horse, you say . . .
“COS on the East Side‘s Baader-Meinhof moment put me in mind of Flanders & Swann’s ‘Hippopotamus Song.’
“They also wrote a delightful sequel. But the original — recorded at the Fortune Theatre, London, on May 2, 1959 — is a good place to start.”
Bulletin Board 